The Art of Courtship

It do strike me that whilst there do be many rufty tufty lads in our merry band and despite them being a most fine and upstanding crowd, it do not seem that they do have much success when it do come to the gentle art of courting ladies. Indeed I do notice that when it do come down to it there do be much wishful thinking and not much dropping of trousers in this matter.

So it do seem that some advice be much needed, and I do have bethought myself to find some words of wisdom concerning the best ways to be sweet talking reluctant maidens out of their knickers.

This do be how you do it;

Be most mightily good looking with a big nob and lots of money. this do always be a good start.

Simply tell her that you do have a big nob and lots of money

When you do come across a likely looking maiden, smile in an ingratiating fashion and speak words of both wit and charm in her ear. If it do happen that you be not able to be thinking of any then simply tell her that you do have a big nob and lots of money. This do always work even if it not be true. I do suggest that you do not be telling her about being mightily good looking unless it be dark and she cannot work it out for herself. This do usually work, and if it do not then add by means of enticement that you do always take both your boots off in the bedchamber. This do be irresistible and will convince her of your allure.

Take her by the hand and slope off to some quiet place, as maidens do not like doing it in the Tavern in the usual way of things. Round the back will do if you do be in a hurry. It do be a good idea if the chosen place do be dark. Hold her hand with firmness and remind her about your big nob and lots of money to ensure that she do not have any change of mind. If it do appear that she do be about to change her mind it do be a good idea to have a friend on hand to hold her other hand in case she do struggle. If this do happen it do be only fair that he do be allowed a go as well. Do not be suprised if she do scream as many maidens do become most vocal in moments of excitement.

Whisk up her skirts and tie them in a knot over her head

Lift up her skirts in a leisurely fashion. You may not see why this be necessary, but it do be called foreplay, and maidens do prefer that it do not be over too quick. To whisk up her skirts and tie them in a knot over her head be not gentlemanly and is best not done unless she be either excessively ugly or struggling overmuch. However it do have the advantage that she will not then know what you be doing and will save the bother of removing your boots.

If at this point she do get stroppy and start demanding proof of your big nob etc, it do be a good idea to have prepared for the event by secreting an appropriate vegetable such as a cucumber or small marrow about your person. (Do not get carried away with this as nobody has a nob that is nine inches thick no matter what they say, and most maidens know this). Thrust this into her hand and say something appropriate to the romantic mood, for instance: “I expect you’d like to get your laughing tackle round that.” This has the advantage of being probably true as most maidens like cucumber, so if she says no she is most likely being coy.

Do not waste thiness of courtship and lovemaking do be not as troublesom as it do appear really, and it be not necessary to get in a state about it. The secret be to realise that most maidens do be mightily flattered by such attentions as I do have described, so there be no need to be shy about it. Enjoy your next shore leave.