The Captains Contract

1. I promise to wear too many clothes and a fancy hat as if it suited me.
2. I reserve the right to suddenly add at least one initial, or middle name, upon becoming a captain (‘J’ is popular).
3. I promise to bribe the crew (sweet, foreign cooking, biscuits, promotions, big parties are all good) so they don’t notice what I am up to.
4. I will promise the known world to my crew, or prospective crew members, as incentive to sail with me. However, should something more interesting distracrt me (a woman that might actually shag me, maybe, this time, or some foreigners with much booze) I will then disappear; and I will become angry if any crewmember should be so impolite as to complain about this.
5. I will secretly think less of those whom I have overtaken in the race to become really powerful and big and influential. Especially those who have given up top jobs and forgotten that a Captain has real power. And respect. And more chance of a shag I expect, too.
6. I will freely support any other crewman’s rise to Captaincy once I have achieved a really big crew. This will get me presents. And sometimes new Captains might follow me around like puppies. I will not object on principle if all other crew members should thus become Captains but I expect I will kill them later.
7. If I am a new Captain I agree to ignore no.6 until I have a really big crew. I understand that a Captain has real power even with a small or ficticious crew.
8. I will frequently agree that the crew is a democracy and will spend a great deal of time convincing the crew that I am genuine in this.
9. I will eventually inform the crew what democratic decisions I have made for them concerning new crew members, allegiances, division of plunder, suddenly burning the ship etc.
10. I will trade most of my sense of humour for the power that is a Captaincy, as being funny interferes with all the talking. I will not miss this particularly, as I will find that I do not trust the crew any more and will notice that they all want my job.
11. I will spend all of my time talking to crew, allies etc. one after the other about what they want from me and I promise to look as though I care.
12. Did I mention that I’m really O.K. about the power I’m getting?
13. I will above all attempt to keep my crew happy so that I can do my job (see 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12 above).

The Crew Contract

I, Seaman ( one or two syllable name ), do agree to attempt to understand the following:

1. I will, upon joining, wear a baggy shirt and tie a hanky round my head until I work out how to dress.
2. I will sit quietly in groups until I feel confident enough to try my first gag.
3. I will remain unknown to the main group until my first successful gag.
4. I will immediately start talking in a bad Cornish accent as though all pirates came from Penzance, even if I claim to be Spanish.
5. I will call everybody Sir, or Captain until I work out who they all are.
6. I will drink too much at some stage and pass out, causing veteran crew to shake their heads knowingly.
7. I will swish my new sword about a lot.
8. I will notice that baggy shirts and hankies is de riguere.
9. I will start bothering my captain when I find out which one he is.
10. I will look up Democracy in a dictionary one day.

DECLARATION: I declare that I am new and that the above is probably a good idea.
signature, or x, or thumb-print.