It was with the gravest of trepidation, mingled with not a little awe & respect, that I made my way across Lundy Island to meet with its most notorious Governor ever, Captain Prettyboy Lambkin, retired.
Smorminn Toothfeet: So why'd you retire then?
Governor
Lambkin: Well, Piracy these days is a young man's game, an' it's gettin
harder an' harder to keep up with the changing rules - last year everyone was
satisfied with Chocolate Doubloons, this year you're lucky to keep 'em happy
even if you get enough Belgian Truffles to pay for Dutchie's best whore for
a year. Plus a lot of the fights are rigged, there's more of an organized crime
element muscling in on today's filibusterin' scene.
SEMI
ST: What will you do? Any plans to capitalize on your fame, maybe write an autobiography, or move into professional pirate commentating, which I know you've dabbled in?
GL: Governorship of Lundy's a major job in itself you know! It's not all gala luncheons & opening new customs houses & making backhand deals with local honest merchants an' traders, I have my hands full with the Qin Memorial Hobbit Pogrom, as well as dishin' out a little "Red Roger Justice" where necessary. I plan to spend a lot of time on my garden, too.
FLACID
ST: Will you be keeping your hand in, maybe with a little Highwayman work, or banditry perhaps?
GL: Too amateurish, mate, I have a few old scores to settle & I'll be conducting a couple of minor border skirmishes when I get the chance, but daylight robbery isn't really my thing any more.
LIMP
ST: What are the five big developments you think we'll see in freebootering over the next decade?
GL: New technology, mate, new technology. Cadfannin's Homing Carrier Bats are one example of a radical change in pirate warez that we're only barely now beginning to see the tactical potential of. When Cadfannun first introduced them, we only used to use them for sending the odd insult & boast back & forth across each others bows. These days Ernest's gotten Cadfannyn workin' on Explosive Homin' Carrier Bats, that carry petards an' grenadoes, so FBA Captains can blow each other up wholesale, instead o' just bitchin' an' plottin', as it was in my day.
HARDER
ST:
You've been Buccanneering, or should I say, hah, Buccanneerin', for over a decade
now - it's said that you've butchered & tortured some nine thousand people,
& robbed even more. Any regrets?
GL: I wish I'd bought a Zweihander a couple of years earlier - it's the most efficient precision massacring tool Wayland can devise, & I feel I could have pushed myself a little harder & broken that elusive 10K murder barrier, which would have been a personal best as well as a corsairing world record.
ST: Some of your critics say you're a power-crazed, paranoid psychopath. Do you have any reply to... What are you doing with that machete? Yeaaarggghhh! My leg! Arrrrrggggghhhhhh! Ow! Please, stop that! Nooooooo!