Horrorscopes: Not-mystic Pum tells your present

Ponceys

The Fish. Drinks like a. You will be drinking about now, somewhere.

Cuntcer

You have no future and have been reduced to cameo appearances. Avoid Prowty-Conklians as they are more fun than you.

Prowty-Conklius

You are annoyed that your hat is famous. Try wearing brown to parties.

Eldredibra

The Scales. On the one side, indeterminate of species and extremely dangerous to be near. On the other, more of the same. Get stuck in, but warn me first.

Twiliticorn

You will be begin reading this and then wander off somewhere. You won't get this far.

Flikini

The twins. A pair often seen on the Jugger field. You don't have to be psycic to see them coming.

Gussettarius

I never saw nuthin' see. He wasn't anywhere near it when it happened. No-one can prove a thing. Also shit and teaspoons.

Mumraus

You have something noisy with you.

Jeffreo

If someone is reading this aloud to a group, stop now. Jeffreo's are wondering if there is one about them.

Charlies

You have fallen over recently.

Bilge-Ratto

You are being very naughty, and will, once again, get caughty. You will have said sorry twice before I finish this sentence.

Yarropio

I know what you're up to. Just don't do it near me. And make sure you clean it afterwards.